The truth about sex and dating from a single woman's point of view…. 

 

This is intended light heartedly, no offence is meant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bubbles in a bath

It's been quite a while since I've had the need to write on my blog.

There's a very good reason for that, I have met a lovely man and we have been together for 3 months.  He treats me well, the sex is FANTASTIC and so I haven't wanted to jinx it.

So today's blog is not about sex at all.  It will be quite a serious post, so for those of you who don't want to read on, I will forgive you if you want to opt out now.

 

Honesty time.  In case I haven't mentioned it before, I have a mental illness.  I have depression and anxiety.  A friend in a similar situation once told me he doesn't "suffer" from it, he has it.  That way he is in control of it, it doesn't control him.  I have adopted this way of thinking myself, and since being on the right meds, it has worked a treat.

 

Today I had a bit of a day.  Nothing compared to those I used to have, but I'm feeling confused and upset.

 

Let's start at the beginning.  I stayed over at said new man's house last night, but had a bit of an upset stomach and he had to get up early for work so I slept on the couch.

I missed out on a lot of snuggles and affection which I love.

 

I had a birthday party to go to for a lovely lady I've adopted as a second Mum and thought he wouldn't be able to go with me due to his work.  As it turned out, his work finished early due to rain and we both went into the city for lunch with her and all her friends and family.

 

This is where I may lose some more of you.  I am an empath.  This means that when I am around other people I absorb their moods and feelings as if they are my own.  I know a lot of people don't believe in things like this, and that's ok.  Crowds can be overwhelming.

 

So it was a lovely party, so many happy and loving people and so I was feeling great.  I was worried a little bit about my man as he is very shy and doesn't like meeting new people but he coped really well.

 

We came back home to his place, as I usually stay there on weekends.  He lives with his daughter, her partner and his grand daughter and his teenage son.  He went to go get some meat to have a BBQ tea and all I could hear is his daughter's partner yelling at his granddaughter.... over nothing.  This happens quite often and usually I can shut it out, but after such a good day it really affected me.

 

I shut myself away in his room for a bit and when he came home he poked his head in the door and said hello then went again.  I really needed a hug.  I really needed to tell him how I was feeling.  The downside is, the one bad part about my man is he doesn't really do feelings.

 

I went outside to see him and told him that I had to get away from the yelling.  He basically said it's not our problem and "don't worry about it".. and then later on "just relax honey".  For those of you who have mental illness, and even some of you who don't, will know these are some of the worst things you can say to someone who is upset.

 

So I'm eating my tea outside, hoping he would just give me a bit of space, but he sort of hung around and then said "what's wrong?".  By this time, I've escalated things in my head and asked him to just give me 10 minutes.

 

10 minutes turned into going home on my own and having some me time.  I had already sent him a text explaining it's nothing he has done and I was just having a moment, but how can you explain to someone else when you don't really understand it all yourself? I did say good bye properly and gave him a kiss too.

 

I came home.  Grounded myself outside to get rid of all the negative stuff I had going on - which if I have had've protected myself this morning, I wouldn't have needed to do - then I decided to have a bath with candles and a bit of meditation music going on.

 

It was while I was in the bath that I had a bit of an epiphany.  I was watching the bubbles on the surface of the water and I realised that they are the best way to describe what goes on in my brain.

 

So here goes.  Imagine your head is full of bubbles.  Some of them are tiny and others are quite big.  The tiny ones are basically background noise and very colourful- the random thoughts that come to mind sometimes, or your memories.  The bigger ones are what affects how you feel and your mood and what is going on in the present moment.

 

Now when you are in the right frame of mind to control these, they are all sorts of colours too to mimic what that particular thought is.  Red for love, yellow for happiness, that sort of thing.  But what happens when you're not in the right frame of mind, your brain starts to let you think too deeply into things and everything starts to turn to grey but you don't realise.  There are some bubbles that are distorted and not perfectly round, and so you can pop these and get them out of your mind because you know you're just being silly.  But the ones that disguise themselves as perfect bubbles start letting all the negativity in and you start thinking about just about everything and seeing the bad in it instead of the good.  Some of the tiny bubbles even start getting bigger and grayer.  For instance, I know my man is affectionate and will hug and kiss me whenever I want, but I start to notice that he doesn't approach me very often and so I start to let myself think he isn't attracted to me anymore.  These bubbles get bigger and bigger until you can't see the little ones full of happiness anymore.

 

The only person who can snap you out of this is YOU.  There is no point telling someone they are being silly, or don't stress - tell them positive things.  Like "you know he loves you, maybe he's just a bit tired", try to point out all the good things.  Hopefully if they hear enough good stuff they will come around.

 

I am very lucky that I have been to a psychologist and now know how to get myself out of one of these down days.  Time alone, grounding myself, having a bath and writing.  Once you get it out of your head and on paper, it doesn't seem that bad anymore.  In fact it seems a little bit silly - which can sometimes have a negative effect, but I'm all good.

 

My psychologist describes it as the "responsible adult" having control, and telling all your other fears and emotions to take a back seat for a while.  It doesn't mean they go away, they are still there but you can deal with them when you are in the right frame of mind to do so.

 

Anyway, I hope that made sense.  I plan to draw the bubbles in my head, so I may post a picture later on.

 

In the meantime, if you need to - go watch some bubbles in a bath to get some perspective and remember all the little bubbles of happiness in the background.

 

Jane

Silophosical Saturday

Blog 4

Yes, I know it's philosophical but that doesn't start with S does it? 

New word, same sort of meaning, only it's not philosophy, just mainly silly musings.

 

I'm home alone, got nothing much new to tell you - I've had a few conversations with guys on the dating site that haven't led to anything.  I think it's their polite way of saying they're not interested. One guy said message anytime - he has not replied to my second conversation starter. Another started with "You look yummy, I'd like to meet you".  My reply was "no, don't start a conversation like that, good luck with your search".

 

Anyway, I digress - it has made me start thinking - what do I actually want?

Yes like every other woman on the planet (I think), to be thinner, to be beautiful, have loads of money and to be happy.  But you know what, everything else falls into place once you are truly happy and the only person that can do that for you, is yourself. But that's not quite what I'm talking about, I'm not here to give you a spiritual lesson in life.

 

What do I want in/from/with a man?

 

I used to think I wanted the fairytale, but as I've grown up I've realised that what they portray in the movies is not what happens in real life.  Richard Gere is not going to come along in a white limosine and climb a fire escape for me.

Patrick Swayze (rest his soul) is not going to come and pull me out of a corner.  Brad Pitt is not going to push me up against a wall for some rough sex after I've tried to kill him... the list could go on.

 

And the kissing and sex scenes - come on!  First kisses are awkward, sex is usually a bit uncoordinated until you realise what position you're both going for.  I don't know about you but I'm sure it looks more like a mud wrestle than sex sometimes.

 

Getting back to it, what do I want?

 

First of all I want someone who I find physically and mentally attractive and in return...

 

I want someone who wants me for me.  I want someone who finds me attractive despite all my unattractive qualities - like burping, farting, swearing like a trooper, snoring, singing to EVERY song on the radio even when I don't know the words, talking and laughing way too loud and of course snorting at the end of a good belly laugh.  

 

I want someone who will pursue me - not in a stalkerish way though. I don't ever want to be confused as to where I stand. Someone who texts good morning and good night.  Someone who approaches me for the affection (hugs and kisses people, keep it clean!) at least some of the time. Hugs from behind, kisses on the neck - all that kind of thing.

 

I want someone I can talk to about anything and they won't judge me or try to solve my problems, but just listen - admittedly that line sounds like I want a woman.

 

My problem is that I know I would love all of that stuff but because of the little human I have in my life, I would only want to see this person on weekends until I am sure it is going somewhere.  But my inner self says, "would you cope with that?" I know it is the right thing to do but I also know myself and depending on how it was progressing I would want to see them more often.

 

The flip side to that is that I would not want them living with me - I need my space and I know I'm a very hard person to live with - moody, emotional all that great girl stuff.

 

So... being the contrary female that I am, do I actually want a relationship or should I give it up as a bad joke?  I know from past experience that I do not do well in a "Friends With Benefits" situation, I get way too attached.

 

Well that's fantastic,  I think I'm more confused now than I was when I started writing - if that's possible.

 

I'm a firm believer in "things happen for a reason" and "what is meant to be, will be" so on that note I will sign off from my Silly-phosical musings.

 

Jane x

 

Frustrated!

Blog 1

I had been “celibate” for 2 and a half years. Why? 1. Because I have the stupid implant in my arm that whilst holding back the monthly floods did nothing for my libido and 2. Because I had a best mate that I had a thing for, who doesn’t have a thing for me, but who was enough of a companion once a week for tea that I wasn’t wanting anything further. 

Roll on 2 and a half years later when the thing in my arm is starting to wane and all those toey feelings have started to come back.  I questioned said best mate just to doubly make sure nothing was going to happen there – and no, he doesn’t find me attractive that way.  Ok, move on. 

I get back onto one of those lovely dating sites, where all men think the women must be desperate and so they go straight in for the kill.  I even had one guy offer to “service” me and set up a financial relationship – yep, I had to pay him if I wanted it. Not that desperate and more respect for myself than that mate (although after reading this your opinion on that may change).

Moving on, a few more conversations with different guys of varying ages, builds, nationalities and I came across someone I thought might be a fairly decent bloke.

Before I go on, here is the part where I state the old contentious issue – why are men who get have a lot of sex called studs, while us women are labelled with less than flattering names, like slut, slag, whore – the list could go on and on.  Our sex drive is sometimes just as needy as any man and sometimes our BOB (battery operated boyfriend) just does not cut it.  In general -this doesn’t mean we will sleep with anyone anytime, it just means we have needs to and sometimes they need satisfying.

Getting back to the story, this fairly decent bloke and I start chatting.  His parents live in the town I’m in and he is less than an hour away.  He suggests we catch up on Friday.  Sounds good.  He asks for my number.  I say not yet but thank you.

Now, I’m not sure who is the woman and who is the man in this scenario at this point because instead of saying, “OK well I really wanted to catch up with you on Friday, so let me know when you’re comfortable”, he cracks the shits. Gives some reply and stops chatting.  I thought it was mainly us women that did things like that. And yes, I am a woman, but I also know we are REALLY hard to work out.  How can blokes understand us when we don’t understand ourselves?

The reasoning behind my answer - the general rule of thumb for those of you not on dating sites, you give someone your number and the first thing you get is a picture of their Johnson. I have a child so the last thing I want is for them to pick my phone up and see that! Therapy for life!

By this stage, I’m all – it’s been too long and I need to get laid. So, I message him back and say, “that was a not yet, not a no” and we keep chatting.

Friday comes around. No messages.

I have a good girl-friend ring up and say, “do you want to come out for tea” – now normally I’m a homebody, but I was all like, “why the hell not”.  And of course the fact that I could talk to her about it all was a big draw card.  We chat about said guy and while we’re having tea he messages me asking what I’m doing.

“I’m out for tea with a good friend”

“Oh, ok enjoy” 

WTF!! Mate seriously, are you interested or not!  I ask him if he’s in town yet.  No he’s not coming until Sunday.  I tell him we can catch up Sunday afternoon. He wants to know how will he message me?

My reply was, “if you promise not to send any dick pics I will give it to you”.

He said he never does that, and my reply to him was, “thank you from women everywhere!”

Guys, we don’t want to see that shit in a photo. It might get you all hot and steamy but for the majority of the female population it does the exact opposite when we haven’t even met you yet.  Keep it in your pants!

I give him my number. We text and then end up calling and speaking on the phone. He explains he was going to come down on Friday but because I wouldn’t give him my number he decided to stay put. See what I mean – woman or man?! We are supposed to be the overthinkers aren’t we?

I get a bit of a feel for this guy over the phone – and no matter what I write now there are going to be Judgy McFudgy people out there. How do I know? Because I do it myself.

Anyway, I tell him to come on down and see me. He is a nice bloke. Great kisser. Very cuddly. Tick, tick and tick.

We watch an Adam Sandler movie for a bit. We go to bed.  I won’t go into too much detail, but of course there is the usual foreplay before we get down to business. I am soooo ready for this.

The final chapter starts, and he goes in like a jackhammer - actually a small pneumatic drill would probably be more fitting if you catch my drift. I start pressing the devils doorbell (as I’ve heard it referred to because apparently females shouldn’t masturbate) like my life depends on it……

Then it’s all over.  Not even 2 minutes. I’m laying there thinking, “really, 2 and a half years for that!” and of course I only have myself to blame.  More frustrated than ever, I ask if he minds if I finish myself off. Of course being the big tough bloke, I’ve hurt his ego because he thought I had already arrived.  I try…. I can’t, too much pressure. Still fucking frustrated!

So we snuggle. I snore. He wakes me up tells me to stop snoring.  I go to my kids bed to sleep and go back in the morning to try again, but no of course it’s all about him again and I am still left wanting.

I wasn’t too worried as I thought he was staying another night before going to his parents tomorrow. But no, he went there today and is staying there tonight and so I was laying in bed, unable to sleep and had all this running through my head and thought it might give someone a bit of entertainment.

Still frustrated and not really sure whether I will hear from him again – and in 2 minds of whether I want to, I’m signing off.

I hope you have enjoyed my first Blog.

XX Jane

 

 

Itchy Scratchy

Blog 2

Why is it that we go out of our way to please men when really they give us not much in return?  "What do you mean?" I hear you ask.  Well thanks for asking, but I was going to tell you anyway.

 

If you've read my first blog, you will know that getting back on the horse after a long time did not go well.  If you haven't - please do!  This is my follow up and all the aftermath that goes with it.

 

Back story - I got laid for the first time in 2 and a half years on Friday night with someone from a dating site. I had an itch that needed to be scratched.

 

Anyway, I had mentioned to this guy on the phone that while he was on his way to see me I was going to have a bath to shave my legs.  Of course the next question out of his mouth was no surprise - "do you shave anywhere else?" Yes of course I shave under my arms! 

 

We all know this is not what he meant.  It is not something I usually do because, well.... usually it helps if you can see what you are shaving.  

 

I go have my bath. Legs shaved. Under arms shaved. Ok, why not? I can do this by feel, so I go ahead and shave the nether regions as well.  Not very well but good enough surely.

 

That is the first example of going to lengths to please men.  And speaking of lengths brings me to my second example.  I always think of the movie "The Sweetest Thing" and their song "You're too big to fit in here".  If you haven't seen it, basically, no matter how peckerly challenged a man is, you always tell him it's "sooooo big". 

 

Example number 2 - "you like my cock don't you?" 

In my mind - "I'd like it a hell of a lot better if it didn't fit comfortably in the palm of my hand... with my fingers wrapping under my thumb... and if some of it was poking out the other side"

What I actually said (or mumbled) - "aaah  haahh" 

 

But of course when I ask him if it was worth the trip over to see me, I get some stupid non-commital answer that makes me feel like an absolute slut!

 

Fast forward to the next day. Kisses me good bye and says he'll text me that night. 

 

Needless to say, this guy has not contacted me again, and I haven't been tripping over myself to get back in touch with him either.  Mate you can take your tiny bat and your balls and fuck off.

 

Which brings me to the reason for this particular blog.

 

One word.  Regrowth. Another itch that needs to be scratched but this time not for pleasure.

 

Yours sincereley  (with an itchy scratchy snatchy)

Jane x

 

 

 

 

Raunchy Read

I'm going to share with you a different kind of encounter today.

 

I came across this ebook and thought I would have a read.  I had to take a friend to a day procedure appointment in the city so I needed something to occupy me while I was waiting.

 

My friend went in for her surgery and I'm sitting in the waiting room when I remembered I had it.  

 

Now first I'll set the scene.  I'm sitting on a couch in the window with my foot half pulled up under me, there are 4 or 5 "significant others" also awaiting their slightly dopey loved ones to come out of surgery sitting sporadically around the waiting area.

 

I start playing games on my phone when I remember I have the ebook. Into my kindle app I go and start reading.  It is pretty riveting and has me engrossed and - might I say - slightly horny.  I suddenly remember where I am about the same time that I remember my emotions show on my face like a cinema screen, not to mention there may or may not have been a slightly wet patch in my pants. 

 

It's then that I decide to go out and get a coffee, and then sit in the car to read. And before your mind goes elsewhere, I WAS READING! I'm not into public displays of personal pleasure.

 

If this sounds like something you may like to read, this is the book and where you can get it from.

https://www.amazon.com/When-Veronica-Fell-Alexa-Black-ebook/dp/B07D4JMC4F

When Veronica Fell by [Black, Alexa Remington]

Happy reading!

X Jane

Friday Fornication Fail

Blog 3

Where do I start with this one? I think I need to go have a smoke and think about it, but you won't even notice.

 

Why do I have to think about this one? Well because I was hoping this particular guy would not make it onto my blog.  I was hoping he would be the real deal. I was wrong, that's right, I'm a woman and I just admitted I was wrong!

 

The tone of this one may be quite different to my first 3, I'm hoping to still add a bit of humour in but I'm just so angry with myself that this one is more of a vent.

 

A week ago I started chatting to a guy on the dating site.  Now he had a car as his profile pic and usually if they don't have themselves I don't bother chatting long.  This guy, let's call him Dick, was quite nice so against my better judgement I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I get to the point where I ask why he doesn't have a profile pic so he sends me his photo through. Well hello Dick, you look quite nice.

 

The conversation is flowing quite nicely and well above street level and not down in the gutter.  He asks for my number, I do the usual - "I don't want to any inappropriate photos thanks", yep no worries, he doesn't do that. 

 

He does all the right things.  Says goodnight, messages me good morning, makes me feel attractive - you could say he sucked me right in.

 

Now I know I have told you my views on dick pics, it's not the first thing I want to see, but (and judge me if you will) there is a point when you've been chatting for a few days that it's ok and a bit of a turn on. Yes, he lied - that was the first time, fool me once, shame on him. 

 

I'm feeling quite good about this interaction and I tell him I really hope he's not chatting to anyone else because he's a nice guy and I can see this going places.  He agrees and tells me he's not.

 

I have friends in the town where he lives and I ask what he would think if I had organised to go there for the weekend.  Dick was planning on coming over to see me, so either way he is happy.  I ring my friend and organise to go, she's very happy for me and hope it all works out.  Awesome, all set.

 

We plan to go out for tea first on Friday night (tonight), I want to do this right.  Wine and dine me before you... well you know.

 

I go to my hairdressing friend to get my hair cut.  Not necessarily for him but just because it needs a cut and I'm a bit excited and want to tell her all about it.

 

We were having a coffee and a ciggie after the haircut when Dick messages me and I tell him I'm just getting my haircut. He asks if it's any different, no not really, and photo sent.  It was then that another good friend rings me a bit concerned.  She knows all about Dick and I have shown her what he looks like.

 

"Hey honey, just wondering, Dick that you've been chatting to, how old is he?"

I tell her and ask why.  She thinks he's just messaged her on a different dating site.  I tell her to send me the photo. Yep that's him.

 

She asks me what I want her to do.  In hindsight, I should have asked her to keep chatting to him for a while to see where it went.  Instead I said, "reply that you're good friends with me", so she does.

 

In the meantime, Dick has messaged me saying my hair looks good. I say, "Thanks, having fun on 'datingsite'?"

Do you know what he sent back? I would never have guessed this myself in a hundred years of overthinking it.

 

wow

 

Yep, just a smiley face.  

 

Now I know a lot of you will be thinking, "who cares, you werent dating". And you would be right.  But remember I asked him if he was chatting with anyone else and he said no? I don't do liars.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

And not only that, this date was pretty much a sure thing, why would you start messaging someone else the day you are going on a date with 99% guaranteed "dessert"?

 

Needless to say, my friend was upset because she'd ruined things, but she hadn't, she has my back and that's all I can ask for.  

 

So, in conclusion, to all the Dicks out there who think it's OK to play the field, it is OK but just be honest.  And if you're not being upfront, just remember, there may be one person who is actually looking for something real and has real emotions.  Oh, and of course, KARMA IS A BITCH!

 

So once again, I've been left high and dry.  The upside is I've had more material for my blog!  Because after all, I'd much prefer to be tapping away at the keyboard tonight than tapping on the devils doorbell blink

 

Happy Friday.  

Jane x

 

TRUST your gut

Blog 5

My gut instinct is always pretty spot on - it would want to be there's a lot of it!'  However, I sometimes push it to the side because other feelings get in the way.

 

Did you read "Friday Fornication Fail?" - if not, off you trot and read it now before you read this because I won't be repeating myself young lady/man!

 

Against my better judgement I decided to message the guy (Dick) and basically ask him what his deal was.  Why did he feel the need to lie?  I honestly could not have cared less if he was chatting to other girls, as long as I knew I could have kept my walls up.  

 

Of course he said all the right things (which should have been a massive red bed-sheet-sized flag waving above my head) and of course he made me feel wanted and attractive so I decided to give him another chance.

 

My blinkers started getting pin holes in them on Tuesday when I started asking questions about his family and his personal life and he seemed a bit defensive. He said he would rather discuss that stuff in person.  Ok, fair call, so I gave him the (by this stage diminished) benefit of the doubt.

 

Yesterday I heard nothing from him after a good morning, which was quite strange.  My gut by this stage has started making it's opinion more apparent and the doubt is creeping back in and I'm thinking with my cranium not my crotch.  

 

This morning I get a message "sorry I've been flat out".  Yep no worries, life happens.  I ask if everything is ok or is he just busy - just busy.

 

This next part I find quite funny and I was relieved all at the same time.

 

I'm on the dating site and I get a notification that someone likes me.  There is no profile pic of any kind, so normally I wouldn't bother looking.  This time I did.  It was a very familiar read.  I knew straight away (because my gut is now in overdrive)  it was Dick and checked out his other profile to make sure.  The only thing he had changed was his age and his height by 2 cm.  I message him on the dating site and say, "did you create a new profile?"

 

I get back "sorry no idea what you mean I just joined". Ok  I reply.

 

"But hello anyway ok" - AND THERE IT IS!  Dick finishes nearly every sentence with ok.

 

me: "Yep, hi Dick ok"

 

I then go to messenger where we have been chatting and ask him if he thinks I'm stupid - he gets all defensive and all manner of things start coming out like "WTF" and "excuse me" and my all time favourite "how dare you".

 

Mate, if you're going to get all upset about a question, at least do it in a Catherine Tate impersonation - how very dare you!  I dare buddy, I fucking dare!

 

So then he says he doesn't know what the fuck I'm on about and I share the screen shots of his 2 profiles. I get, 'Yeah that's me".  Needless to say he got all uppity then and said he doesn't need this bullshit and it actually just makes me laugh - which is good because 2 days ago before my gut took over I would have been quite upset.  I've now blocked him on facebook and phone.

 

I should have known better, he's fooled me twice already and I still went back for more.  It's amazing what lengths you let yourself go to when you have a low self esteem and someone makes you feel wanted.  But you know what? I deserve better, and I won't be falling for that again from anyone. 

 

It is the thought of what a relationship could be that I am falling for and not the person I would be in the relationship with.  Separate the two, take my blinkers off, trust my gut and see people for who they are.

 

So people, in conclusion, listen to that little niggle in the pit of your stomach that says something is not right.  We need to trust our guts more, it's not often they are wrong!

 

Love ya guts, Jane x